hello guys
Ytd was the release of A level results..
when I first saw my results, I was emotionless. no joy or sadness overwhelm me. no anger or disappointment went through my mind. Its was all calm until ms ho came over and hug me, and I had an sudden outburst of emotions. I didn't see it coming myself.
its was then I realised how upset and disappointed I was with my results. All along, I thought I had braced myself for the worse, even mentally prepared myself the possibility of going a private Uni, or even retake. But I was so wrong. I wasn't even mentally prepared to see what I had gotten today, not to say results that were worse.
True that I had not been doing well in school. like I had been failing chemistry for all my life in TJ. Logically, I should be happy about the grade I obtained. I mean, it was so much better. But no. After the hug I received from ms ho, I realised that I had secretly hoped that a miracle will happen. I was secretly hoping that one day I can share my story to others who had not been doing well in school, telling them that miracles do happen. In fact, I came to the realisation that I was even hoping that my results can get me a scholarship to study physiotherapy at nyp. Yes. I am unrealistic like that.
While I was on the train to take my results, I asked myself had I done my best. I think I did. I meant I would never choose to study 24/7 without any life. So based on the fact that I didn't, I think I did what I could and would. After getting my results, similarly on the train, I asked myself the same question again. and I asked myself why isit that even though my ans to the above question was yes, I am still so upset. I could not ans this question. I guess it was simply because I couldn't accept that I am just not smart like that. I meant given a choice between telling myself that I hadn't done my best or that I am just not that smart, I would choose the first reason. I mean it's a easier way to console myself isn't it?
I had always been the kid that everyone is proud of. Not the top scorer kind, but at least I had been doing decently well all my life. I wouldn't consider myself a failure. But its just the expectation vs reality that caused my extreme sadness.
I had thought about what I want to do since I was sec 4. I couldn't decide on that all the way until near Prelims in J2. I wish that i can be a therapist or someone in the healthcare field. But in order for me to do that, i need to get a scholarship to nyp so as to guarantee a degree for me in that field. Not just for me, but that's also the only way for my parents to agree to me taking the course. I had never wanted to do anything before. It was my first ambition i would say and now the possibility of me fulfilling this dream is like 0.0000001% or even just 0.
Now, i am this headless fly faced with courses i never thought i will be in. Course that are so foreign to me that i just dunno what should i do, whr should i go.
I had never been so upset with my results before. yes i had been disappointed before..but to be crying extremely hard for 2 days brought disappointment to a whole new level. At least for me. But the thing is, yes i am sad. But it doesn't mean that i am not moving on. It doesn't mean that i am still harping on the past. I know that life goes on. I know that its just a stage of life. Despite this, i see the rightfulness of me being sad, its simply a release of emotion. I guess I just need to get up by myself while feeling the pain and not have people applying medicine on my wound nor help me up.
So people, I am moving on. Its not the end of the world I know..
Ytd was the release of A level results..
when I first saw my results, I was emotionless. no joy or sadness overwhelm me. no anger or disappointment went through my mind. Its was all calm until ms ho came over and hug me, and I had an sudden outburst of emotions. I didn't see it coming myself.
its was then I realised how upset and disappointed I was with my results. All along, I thought I had braced myself for the worse, even mentally prepared myself the possibility of going a private Uni, or even retake. But I was so wrong. I wasn't even mentally prepared to see what I had gotten today, not to say results that were worse.
True that I had not been doing well in school. like I had been failing chemistry for all my life in TJ. Logically, I should be happy about the grade I obtained. I mean, it was so much better. But no. After the hug I received from ms ho, I realised that I had secretly hoped that a miracle will happen. I was secretly hoping that one day I can share my story to others who had not been doing well in school, telling them that miracles do happen. In fact, I came to the realisation that I was even hoping that my results can get me a scholarship to study physiotherapy at nyp. Yes. I am unrealistic like that.
While I was on the train to take my results, I asked myself had I done my best. I think I did. I meant I would never choose to study 24/7 without any life. So based on the fact that I didn't, I think I did what I could and would. After getting my results, similarly on the train, I asked myself the same question again. and I asked myself why isit that even though my ans to the above question was yes, I am still so upset. I could not ans this question. I guess it was simply because I couldn't accept that I am just not smart like that. I meant given a choice between telling myself that I hadn't done my best or that I am just not that smart, I would choose the first reason. I mean it's a easier way to console myself isn't it?
I had always been the kid that everyone is proud of. Not the top scorer kind, but at least I had been doing decently well all my life. I wouldn't consider myself a failure. But its just the expectation vs reality that caused my extreme sadness.
I had thought about what I want to do since I was sec 4. I couldn't decide on that all the way until near Prelims in J2. I wish that i can be a therapist or someone in the healthcare field. But in order for me to do that, i need to get a scholarship to nyp so as to guarantee a degree for me in that field. Not just for me, but that's also the only way for my parents to agree to me taking the course. I had never wanted to do anything before. It was my first ambition i would say and now the possibility of me fulfilling this dream is like 0.0000001% or even just 0.
Now, i am this headless fly faced with courses i never thought i will be in. Course that are so foreign to me that i just dunno what should i do, whr should i go.
I had never been so upset with my results before. yes i had been disappointed before..but to be crying extremely hard for 2 days brought disappointment to a whole new level. At least for me. But the thing is, yes i am sad. But it doesn't mean that i am not moving on. It doesn't mean that i am still harping on the past. I know that life goes on. I know that its just a stage of life. Despite this, i see the rightfulness of me being sad, its simply a release of emotion. I guess I just need to get up by myself while feeling the pain and not have people applying medicine on my wound nor help me up.
So people, I am moving on. Its not the end of the world I know..
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