Hello guys. its a sunday and I am alone in my room. so many things to do yet none I feel like doing.
sometimes I like being alone in the room. I ponder I think I feel. if I am happy, I smile. if I am sad I cry. I sort out complicated thoughts I sort out unnecessary emotions. at the end of the day, when I leave the room, its a blank piece of paper to start all thoughts and feelings again.
If cheer has ever taught me anything, it is to fake a smile. as a cheerleader, once you are up on the stunt, you smile. no matter if you are freaking scared or freaking unhappy. you smile. you let the whole world thinks you are happy. its coming more and more naturally nowdays I dunno is it good or bad. it happens when I see people I know, that I still can laugh and talk crap with no matter what was my state of emotions. sometimes I like it. it cheer me up momentarily. or mayb it did not. I get more and more confuse if I am truly happy or not.
my mind get more and more tangled nowdays. millions of voices arguing inside my head. I get angry but another voice ask me what rights I hav to be. I get sad but another voice beg me to stop all these useless emotions. I get reliant and another voice chided me about it.
I get upset when people dun give me chances. but I get even more depress when I screw up all the chances given. I used to think being deprive of the opportunity is a bad feeling. as if people are looking down on you. but today I realise being given the opportunity but failing to perform is worse. its like proving to people they are right for looking down at you. its like proving that you cant do it. its like telling yourself the truth. at least when people deprive you of the opportunity to try, you hav the hope that mayb you just aren't that bad, its juat you dun hav the chance. you even allow yourself to feel better by blaming those who deprive you of the opportunity.
I am sorry I am really not good with words. I just cant express myself properly so I rather keep quiet about it. I hate crying in front of everyone and I cant bring myself to say I am ok when ask if I am without tears. that explains the long pause as I calm myself down. its not that i dun wan to tell you. its that i am just bad at it. forgive me for who i am. i just cant change overnight. :(
sometimes I like being alone in the room. I ponder I think I feel. if I am happy, I smile. if I am sad I cry. I sort out complicated thoughts I sort out unnecessary emotions. at the end of the day, when I leave the room, its a blank piece of paper to start all thoughts and feelings again.
If cheer has ever taught me anything, it is to fake a smile. as a cheerleader, once you are up on the stunt, you smile. no matter if you are freaking scared or freaking unhappy. you smile. you let the whole world thinks you are happy. its coming more and more naturally nowdays I dunno is it good or bad. it happens when I see people I know, that I still can laugh and talk crap with no matter what was my state of emotions. sometimes I like it. it cheer me up momentarily. or mayb it did not. I get more and more confuse if I am truly happy or not.
my mind get more and more tangled nowdays. millions of voices arguing inside my head. I get angry but another voice ask me what rights I hav to be. I get sad but another voice beg me to stop all these useless emotions. I get reliant and another voice chided me about it.
I get upset when people dun give me chances. but I get even more depress when I screw up all the chances given. I used to think being deprive of the opportunity is a bad feeling. as if people are looking down on you. but today I realise being given the opportunity but failing to perform is worse. its like proving to people they are right for looking down at you. its like proving that you cant do it. its like telling yourself the truth. at least when people deprive you of the opportunity to try, you hav the hope that mayb you just aren't that bad, its juat you dun hav the chance. you even allow yourself to feel better by blaming those who deprive you of the opportunity.
I am sorry I am really not good with words. I just cant express myself properly so I rather keep quiet about it. I hate crying in front of everyone and I cant bring myself to say I am ok when ask if I am without tears. that explains the long pause as I calm myself down. its not that i dun wan to tell you. its that i am just bad at it. forgive me for who i am. i just cant change overnight. :(
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