Not Over It
Hello people!
been a long long time since i last posted and am getting lazier nowdays. Had a really great day out at adventure cove and tbh it really impressed me as i never felt so positive about a theme park before despite being to numerous. Not sure if it was really the park or was it because of the company, either way, i am glad i went instead of succumbing to my nua-ness.
While i was on the way home, a friend of mine whatsapped me asking me for a second favour. It was a really good friend and someone whom i grew up with. Yet, when i received the request, i had this sense of unwillingness. I am someone who would do almost anything for really good friends, once i see you as my good friend, then you are in my vip list. Yet at the same time, i am also someone who had expectations, i will treat you the way you treated me. So it kind of hurts me when you realise that while you are willing to do so much for others, they are not. Its probably unfair to ask everyone to behave like me, a conscious thought i always reminded myself, but this is a subconscious thought.
Perhaps i am too sensitive, and i thought i was long over the birthday thing. However, i realise, no, i wasnt and i probably wouldnt get over it. Its something like your childhood scar from one of the playful act, one you will joke about years ltr but deep down, you still rmb how it hurts last time. Alot of things is not about monetary value, understand and understood. Yet how do you explain the fact that you just didnt have the time? Time, a gift you have and able to decide whr to invest it. I chilled myself several times over me being superficial and all, i should have known their pattern by now, i shouldnt use all these minor issues as a determinant for our friendship. How many times have i had this debate with myself, deep in the night, only to come to a conclusion that its probably me overthinking and being calculative.
Today when the request for a favour came and my slight unwillingness showed me that somehow these debates that i had just hurt me sometimes. Despite trying to psyco myself every since, the damage is done.
Ofcourse i am not that noble, i wouldnt jump at every opportunity to help my friends. But if you ask, i wont reject unless i didnt have a choice. Its is small, but the hesitation and secret hoping that a retraction of the request will come is pretty disturbing to me.
One argument that i was suggested to was that not everyone see the importance of birthday as much as i do. That being said, from what i am observing, birthdays are as impt to them as to me. Then, why cant others treat you the way they wanted you to treat them. Its a whole new argument on expectation vs reality. An endless vicious cycle of thoughts which i will never get the ans to.
Lets just hope time will heal everything and meanwhile its time for me to learn how to stop expecting while giving..
been a long long time since i last posted and am getting lazier nowdays. Had a really great day out at adventure cove and tbh it really impressed me as i never felt so positive about a theme park before despite being to numerous. Not sure if it was really the park or was it because of the company, either way, i am glad i went instead of succumbing to my nua-ness.
While i was on the way home, a friend of mine whatsapped me asking me for a second favour. It was a really good friend and someone whom i grew up with. Yet, when i received the request, i had this sense of unwillingness. I am someone who would do almost anything for really good friends, once i see you as my good friend, then you are in my vip list. Yet at the same time, i am also someone who had expectations, i will treat you the way you treated me. So it kind of hurts me when you realise that while you are willing to do so much for others, they are not. Its probably unfair to ask everyone to behave like me, a conscious thought i always reminded myself, but this is a subconscious thought.
Perhaps i am too sensitive, and i thought i was long over the birthday thing. However, i realise, no, i wasnt and i probably wouldnt get over it. Its something like your childhood scar from one of the playful act, one you will joke about years ltr but deep down, you still rmb how it hurts last time. Alot of things is not about monetary value, understand and understood. Yet how do you explain the fact that you just didnt have the time? Time, a gift you have and able to decide whr to invest it. I chilled myself several times over me being superficial and all, i should have known their pattern by now, i shouldnt use all these minor issues as a determinant for our friendship. How many times have i had this debate with myself, deep in the night, only to come to a conclusion that its probably me overthinking and being calculative.
Today when the request for a favour came and my slight unwillingness showed me that somehow these debates that i had just hurt me sometimes. Despite trying to psyco myself every since, the damage is done.
Ofcourse i am not that noble, i wouldnt jump at every opportunity to help my friends. But if you ask, i wont reject unless i didnt have a choice. Its is small, but the hesitation and secret hoping that a retraction of the request will come is pretty disturbing to me.
One argument that i was suggested to was that not everyone see the importance of birthday as much as i do. That being said, from what i am observing, birthdays are as impt to them as to me. Then, why cant others treat you the way they wanted you to treat them. Its a whole new argument on expectation vs reality. An endless vicious cycle of thoughts which i will never get the ans to.
Lets just hope time will heal everything and meanwhile its time for me to learn how to stop expecting while giving..
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